I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize