I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize