making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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