you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
