i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
