life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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