My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
