when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
