Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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