I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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