Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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