you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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