just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize