Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
