a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Randomize
