omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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