i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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