I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
