Cold hands, warm shart.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
