I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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