There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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