Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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