Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
