We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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