can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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