the new term for farting is butt boxing.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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