he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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