You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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