Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
