But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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