Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
