just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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