I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
