so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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