If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
