I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
