fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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