when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize