Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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