If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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