I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
