there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
