I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
