Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
