It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
this beer tastes like vomit already
of course. lets lasso hookers.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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