So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
