if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
