what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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