HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
