I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
