Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize