elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
