It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The adults are the big ones right?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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