I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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