I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
