I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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