I love black thongs
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
