I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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