Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
