Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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