you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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